Part 2: What Makes Me Different From a Robot?

Co-regulation is a superpower. 

But many of us are unaware of this power and therefore can’t employ it strategically. We all possess the superpower of being human and we can leverage our biology and our physiology to our advantage – IF we know how.

The usual message we get is that our body is a messy, lumpy, bag o’ skin that needs shaping, squishing, tending, controlling, and managing in order to be appropriate and acceptable. In my humble opinion, nothing could be further from the truth.

When you are aware of what state you’re in – emotionally, physically, mentally – and use that knowledge with intentionality, it’s a total game-changer. As a leader, particularly in a time of intense anxiety, instability, and uncertainty, your nervous system’s regulation is critical to your team’s performance. While you may think you’re keeping it cool, if you’re under stress, your biology is already communicating with those around you and having an impact

Being more aware of your body’s signals helps you deal directly with the system that’s feeling dysregulated or off. 

This kind of embodied self-awareness can change how you live and lead, but only if you’re aware of it and know how to use it.

Co-regulation means that our bodies are responsive to other bodies based on what we see, hear, physically touch (or don’t), and our chemistry (pheromonal signals). Though we think of ourselves as separate from other people’s bodies, our systems are constantly interacting and picking up cues from one another.

What happens during co-regulation?

• Our breath rates and heart rates sync up

• Our chemistry affects those around us, including our cortisol (stress hormone), oxytocin (bonding hormone) and alpha-amylase (biomarker of a calmer, more regulated nervous system)

• We mimic each other’s body language and movements

• Our nervous systems start matching each other

• Our whole systems become synced, which is great if one of us is feeling great, but not so great if one of us is feeling stressed

What’s the impact of co-regulation? 

Syncing typically creates more prosocial outcomes and we coordinate and work better together. We all intuitively know this: in the presence of a person who feels caring, calm, and grounded, we begin to feel more of the same. Most parents are very familiar with this: their mood and behavior has a profound effect on their children’s state. When we are more aware of our physical state, we can have more choice in how we work with it, rather than unconsciously let it influence us.  

We can either be the influencers or the influenced. 

Conscious awareness is the key to being one instead of the other, as well as the self-knowledge to act on it. If you know what helps you get back to center when you are dysregulated, you have the power to make a change, rather than being subject to your mood or circumstances. 

Here are a two examples:

Team freaking out at work? Knowing how to get your brain and body into a grounded state is important. If you approach your team from that steady place, your team will co-regulate with you and, in turn, have the best shot at getting to their own place of calm and confidence. Even if you can’t get yourself into a completely calm state, your honesty and transparency about the situation–as well as your feelings about it–will have an equally grounding and positive effect. To be clear: you’re not fully responsible for others’ behavior, and you do have a profound impact as the leader.

Fought with your partner before a meeting? Knowing what your body needs to come back to center will be critical for getting ready to perform despite a less-than-ideal start to the day. Otherwise, your lack of self-regulation becomes emotional leakage–meaning, your emotional energy affects others unintentionally.

If this raises more questions than answers for you, don’t hesitate to reach out. I love talking about this and welcome your thoughts.

Science aside, my hope is that you remember you have a brilliant and amazing body with abilities we are only scratching the surface of understanding.

If your body is speaking to you, I hope you’ll listen.

Because the truth is, you can’t outsource co-regulation to a machine. No algorithm can steady a room the way your nervous system can, or invite trust the way your grounded presence does.

If you’re ready to build that kind of embodied self-awareness, and learn how to use it in your leadership, your career, and your life, I’d love to support you.

You can learn more about 1:1 coaching here.